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I understand the dream now.. It was a warning of my betrayal.. The dogs where tied together They where a team, a pack.. .. .. A family.. When the badness came and hurt them they where all hurt.. They where all trusting of that one lead dog.. And so in the end it is on the that one dog's paw the guilt and pain caused to the rest of the pack.. His team suffered because of his mistake.. Because of my mistake.. I was blind to the danger that was about to come.. I ignored the warnings and a denyed the dream as a window to what will become.. That one dog was me.. And I pulled down my family into pain and betrayal just like he pulled down his own pack..

I don't know how to fix this.. I don't know if it is even able to be fixed.. All I know is I made the wrong choice and I forgot at that critical moment what is really important.. Blood or family.. .. .. I allowed the decission to be made for me.. And I took the path of blood.. And now I wish I could bleed.. But I wont do that to myself.. It will not solve anything and only make everything that much worse.. I thought I knew.. .. I thought I was in the okay.. I was wrong and now I am feeling it in ways I never thought possible.. I am an adult.. .. And yet I feel like such a child.. At times I am lost and scared as one.. I let them run my life.. Mom and Dad.. I do it because they gave me life and I suppose deep down I believe they can also take it away.. I let them treat me like a puppet on a string.. Forever bond to bow at their command.. And yet, when things come down to a crossroad I loose my self.. I forget to read between the words spoken to me.. I do not see the true meaning deep within adn always.. And I do mean always I make the wrong decission.. Right now I feel there is no path out of this darkness.. Part of me says it is safer here.. Safer where no one can see you or hear you.. Safer where you do not exsist..

I don't take betrayal very well.. Nor conflict.. It kills me right down to a beaten mush.. But this time it is I who cut down another.. I was the one to deal out the pain and hurt.. Words can not speak how sorry I am.. And I feel that even if I try to make things right I am only gonna make them worse.. And the last thing I want to do is make the wound deeper.. So what do I do?? What is there to be done?? I haven't found the awnser yet.. But then I would not think that it would be that easy.. I guess I can only learn from this.. But I am afraid.. They say nothing is thicker then blood.. I once believed that but how do I tell them that I am I want to let them go.. My blood.. What would it mean for the future?? Would I really be happier without them?? To drop out of a family name.. To try and forget them?? Mom to.. As much as I hate her I love her just as much.. But how do I tell her that I do not see her family as people but monsters?? It would kill her.. Just like that team of dogs lead by that one dog who lead them to their doom.. I am only in the way it seems at times.. I am afraid to make a sound.. I am afraid to move cause I don't want to get in anyone's way.. I know which way I want to go.. But every time I think I am doing good something happens and I am stuck in the box that is the family name I was born with.. It's enough for me to want to scream and allow something to attack me until there is nothing left.. I don't see the reason anymore.. The reason to hold onto blood.. And even in so I don't understand why I am still there with them when I should be with people who actually care for me not only to my face but behind my back as well.. I know what pack I belong but I don't know how to forget the one that binds me to living hell.. And every step I make is a step closer to hurting someone I care for..

I think I need help.. But I don't want to burdon anyone.. Because nothing is okay anymore.. I can do no right here until I find the path..

I'm sorry.. .. .. Sorry for everything.. I am sorry I hurt you.. I am sorry I am hurting you still.. And in hurting you I have broken everything that was worth living for..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Last night was a weird dream and it started around the early morning hours.. I know this cause I had a hard time sleeping last night.. I kept tossing and turning as if I felt like something was coming but not sure what.. I also remember not having even the energy to lift my head.. I was exhausted and my back and shoulders where tight and sore.. (Still are) The dream that was out of the ordinary out of the many mis match dreams of Avatar and Akline River was one where I am in the van with Jess and Deb.. We are traveling somewhere that I am not completely sure where.. But there are these amazing rock formations and waterfalls all over and almost a tropical feel.. And it is warm to.. But as we are going down the highway Jess sees out the driver’s side window a form of road kill off to the side of the road.. At first glance we think it is a coyote laying in the newly fallen snow.. The temperature drops and suddenly it is a winter scene.. As I peer out the window of the truck.. (Don’t ask me when we changed cars cause I don’t know..) I count three coyotes and then I spot movement as I am looking down the line.. Suddenly they are not coyotes at all and there is like 9 of them.. They are all with chains on and are connected to the main chain that runs down the line like a make shift sled dog line.. We pull over and stare at the bloodied massacre.. The three closest to us are dead and twisted in un natural ways as their bloodied pelts bring fear into our souls.. The forth one in the line is struggling to stand but his rear legs appear to have been shattered to mush.. I jump my gaze from the suffering number four to the top of the line skimming over the dogs that are now all white wolves with different marks in tans and grays.. Some appear huskish while others more lupine.. The dog in the front of the lead stands and barks at us much like a dog would to someone he knows.. He barks again as he pulls to come to us and the dogs that are able to walk have no choice as they are tied to the chain that connects all the wolf/dogs together.. The lead dog does not stop his barking until he gets to me.. Behind him his companions are all whimpering and bloodied.. The lead dog is the only one without a mark on him.. Behind him the five remaining living creatures lay down in exhaustion their pelts bloodied and sore seem to seep through the newly fallen snow.. The three dead who still lay lifeless in pools of their own blood have a cold stare that seems to look right into the soul so much that I have to turn away from them.. The dream ends there.. I got out of bed and went to work but the images still haunt me.. Something that started out as a fun happy adventure turned into a horrible scene.. I have to admit I was extremely happy to see that it snowed last night and we got our first snow of the season.. But even so I can not stop thinking of what this all means.. First a fire and now a team of 8 wolf like dogs are beaten killed and abused left to suffer.. Makes me afraid of what tonight is gonna bring me..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Okay the night before last night.. I had a dream that I was all alone at the kennel.. And what do you know the house caught on fire.. I did not panic as the entire dream was about me getting every living thing out of the house.. I loaded them all into crates and shoced them into the kennel.. From our ferrets, horses, ducks, dogs, rabbits and even my 2 salamanders.. Then I had to go back for the last pet.. Jess and Deb's Macaw parrot Rain.. Bu this time the fire was so bad that I could hardly believe my skin was not melting off my bone.. I took off my shirt and threw it over Rain and started to find a way out.. The floor ended up giving out and I fell threw with bird right down into the basement.. And that was the end of the crystal point of view of the dream..

From there the next scene played out with Jess and Deb home.. (Still no clue where Tammy was..) They where in a state of shock and disbelief.. They kept trying to tell people that I was missing and needed to be found but all they did was sit around and talk about how great of a job they had done putting out the fire.. I don't know why Jess and Deb did not think to send out Judge and Brave but the thought never occured.. But what did happen was that Hawkeye walked through the un helpful people and went strait to Jess and Deb who looked at her in amazement.. Hawkeye faded in and out of real wolf form to the pictures I have drawn of her in the pass.. I think it was her way of telling Jess and Deb who she was.. And though she was growling it was not for say at them but her way of saying follow me.. Nobody else could see her.. Only Jess and Deb and they did as she willed them to do and followed the massive white wolf into the burnt remains of our beautiful home.. She lead them down the remains of the stairs until they where litterly under the rubble.. And there sitting atop of a pile of boards was Rain.. He was untouched and screamed when he saw his mothers comming.. But he would not leave the pile.. At this time another wolf appeared and nodded her great head to Jess and Deb.. Her coat whiter then Hawkeyes and with her trademark blue triangles under each golden eye both Jess and Deb knew instantly that this was the Kenji that Crystal spoke of so often..

It was not long before both Jess and Deb where pulling me out of the rubble and together with both wolves waling at their sides and Debbie with Rain they brought me back to the surface just as the rest of the house collapsed..

And Ambulance came to take me to the hospital Jess road with me and Kenji as Hawkeye went with Deb in the truck.. (The green one they no longer own..)

Both Kenji and Hawkeye explained to them on the way that Crystal pushed them out.. That is why that they could be seen.. Only by people who are members of her pack.. At the hospital I am under going severe surgery for my burns and broken limbs and battered body.. Kenji goes with me while Hawkeye stays with Jess and Deb to explain things to my mom and dad and others who come once they hear what has happened.. Funny thing is that only Shane can see Hawkeye.. No one else can see her..

Suddenly a large brown wolf runs passed them and down the hall clearly on his way to Crystal.. Hawkeye merely stares as if stunned to see him.. Jess and Deb had saw him to.. Hawkeye quickly explains that that was Sybin.. He normally stays with Mandi and usually Taitava the fox comes to Crystal.. It is strange that Sybin came this time.. Hawkeye expresses worry about what it means.. Though the sound of a howl soon grabs Hawkeye's imediate attention as she stands stiff and rigid and lets out a bone chilling cry of her own.. Soon the whole hospital is filled with the cries of the three wolves though the only people who can even hear it is Jess, Deb and Shane who are standing near Hawkeye who does not stop her own cries.. Fear for what is happinging to Crystal runs up and down their spines.. They watch then as a orange phase coyote runs by soon followed by a winged black and white wolf with a blue and red fox.. Hawkeye does not stop as these canids run passed her in the same direction as the wolf Sybin had come.. It is at this time that Crystal's phone rings ironically Jess has it in her hand.. Dont ask how or why she just does..

She awnsers it and it is Mandi.. Before Jess can even tell her that it is not Crystal Mandi talks in complete worry.. She asks what is going on.. Sybin has left her.. Jess cuts in and fills Mandi in on everything and Mandi says she is comming..

As Jess hangs up the phone the familiar orange fox walks and touches a paw to Hawkeye as Hawkeye lets out the all to familiar growl.. And as Hawkeye turns to look back at Jess adn Deb, The howls are now stopped.. Mandi is standing next to Jess, Deb and Shane.. (Yeah I know.. That's the fastest flight I have ever witnessed..) Mandi can also see Hawkeye as Taitava nods to Hawkeye before taking off down the hall to join the rest of the Sister pack.. Hawkeye sits and looks at the four people who matter the most.. She knows Crystal is gonna be okay, She knows she is not alone.. And as Hawkeye starts to fade She sees next to Jess, Deb, Shane and Mandi the others.. Whitney, Courtney and Corrine..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Today is my mom's bday but I have nothing I can give her but a verbal happy birthday.. I have a lack of cash at the moment.. Things have gotten bad..

Deb's dad is not good.. I fear this is it.. She is there with him now with her mom.. Jess is in NY and Tammy I have not heard from.. I don't know how she is doing or her grandfather for that mater.. Deb says Jess wants to come home early.. While I to want her to be home that means she will miss the funeral for her grandmother..

I stayed at the kennel to work and take care of things.. I am doing as much as I can not only to help but to keep myself busy.. If I sit and worry to long I fear what may happen.. Though I will not physically hurt myself but the emotional and mental part of me will crumble.. Even as I am sitting here typing I am vibrating.. I thought it was cold but I am not cold.. I think it is nerves.. My shoulders and thighs are killing me in severe pain from the constint shivering.. Why do I do this to myself?? Fuck that how do I do it and how do I stop it?? I want to cry and I want to be strong all at the same time..

Mom called last night and said that it would be best for me to leave the dogs home this weekend.. WHAT!! Gee she just sliced my comfort zone.. I don't care.. I called her this morning and wished her happy birthday by leaving a message.. However I just got a call back like 20 mins ago and I told her everything that is going on and that I may not be able to make it to the chrismas party.. I told her it was because of all that is going on and she said that if I can not come that is fine.. But I told her after I will see but if I do come I HAVE to bring the dogs no mater what.. Even if I leave Jenny in the car and keep checking on her and have Raven on leash with me.. I can't leave them home.. Jenny is wearing a cone still and Raven has to be watched with his hot spots on his back.. I don't care what she thinks, If the other family members can bring their kids then why can't I bring mine?? Not to mention I am not comfortable even being there without my dogs.. This is not something I am looking forward to but I don't know..

I am scared.. I am afraid of all this up roar.. I don't like change and I don't like things interfering with my life or the people in my life.. There is sadness and stress all around and I fear it is not even a quarter to the half way mark.. When it rains it pours I guess..
 
 
 
 
 
 
I can not begin to understand how when something bad happens several bad things roll off..

Yesterday Deb's dad who is in the nursing home and is on his last days.. He is a strong man with to many medicinal problems to list but he is not good.. They think this is it..

Then two days ago Jess gets a call telling her that her grandmother passed away and now she has to go to NY today for a funeral alone because Deb can not leave because we do not know what is going to happen with her father..

Tammy also gets a call yesterday telling her that her grandfather who is ill with phenomena is now in a coma.. She leaves for MA late last night and hopes to be home by friday however if he dies she does not know what is gonna happen.. And Tammy does not get along with her family because of her nasty past with them..

And this morning Deb is limping badly with her knee that gives her trouble.. Jess is leaving today and Tammy is gone.. Leaving me and Deb at home with my broken car.. (Oil tank is rusted out) Also she tells me that Tah is not herself.. Tah is the mother of my puppy Raven.. She said she is eating fine but she is just lathargic and does not want to move..

Raven has a hotspot on his back and Jenny has some sort of tumor on her anus that she has ripped open.. Both my dogs are now on Benydril for their iching and Goldbond powder on their wounds to dry them out and sooth their pain.. Jenny is wearing a cone collar which makes her whimper and looking rather misserable.. Her wound is leaking which I am told is good but it makes for one big green icky mess to make Jenny even more misserable and in pain when I have to constintly wipe her wound with aloe treated baby wipes..

My cat Camy has stopped cleaning himself after flea bathe and frontline treatment due to a nasty out break of fleas in my house.. After bombing and treating all the animals I have it under control.. However because Camy is well Camy his lack of cleaning has caused this monster matts in his coat that I have since had to brush but can not get them all out.. He is nearly bald on his underside and this morning I shaved him so now he is just as miserable as Jenny is..

What the hell man?? What is going on?? I am just glad I am staying home but it is only monday and this is the start of a terrible week.. And guess what people.. I get to look forward to going to my mom's on Saturday and have a holiday dinner with all the people I have been talking shit about here on this journal.. Hey for me..

*Hands someone a knife* -- Just cut my throat cause I dont want to know what happens at the end of this chapter.. For the first time in my life I am afraid of the next turn in the road..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Thinking back to the school years.. Well I was down right nasty if you trully think about it.. And I hated that I would do anything to blend in and not stick out or become a problem for any of the other students.. I kept to myself and allowed the crowd to carry me where ever I was best suited.. I let them decide what was the right people to hang out with.. One girl got dumped on totally and by myself included however I had like this duel personality cause when I was not with 'the gang' I was nice and friendly to her.. But around the rest I was just as mean to her as the next person..

There is allot I wish I could change.. I hate 2 faced people and yet I was one.. I am not anymore I am proud to admit and I vow to never be someone to be lead by another.. I have my own path adn screw those who think they know it better then myself.. When I think I do not understand I find that I already know the awnser..

People sometimes think they know me.. Like truely know me when in truth they more often then not dont have the slighest clue.. When I speak of this I am mostly talking about Kenji and Hawkeye.. Then people go "Oh, those are your spirit guides right.." They could not be more wrong.. What Kenji is to me is my light.. My voice and song.. My ability to write and draw my emotions.. She is my heart and my soul.. It is she who helps me see the good in people and to know the truth of my own creation.. I have felt her since I was 13.. She has left me at times when I pushed the light away.. I can see her.. I feel her as normal as I can my own dogs.. I know her scent and I know the feel of her breath.. She could not be anymore real to me and yet no one else can seem to see her.. I have been able through dream go to others if I try hard enough.. Katie admited to me long ago that she often felt me when she would find a wolf of white haunting her dreams.. I don't know if it is true but I can only go by what I once was told..

Then there is Hawkeye.. She is the daughter of Kenji and yet she could not be more differant.. Hawkeye is rage and hate.. She holds grudges and seeks revenge.. I have been feeling her more strongly in the recent months and have found that at times I wish she really could kill for me.. But I know deep down that such is not the right way.. Hawkeye as deadly as she is will not harm me.. In fact without her I would die.. She walks at my side just like Kenji does.. I know her by sight, sound and scent.. She gives me the power to stand up for myself and to make the changes that need to be made as I journey through life.. One thing that caught me odd is that one day I dreamed I sent Hawkeye to my friend Taitava.. She is probally the only one who understands what I am talking about when it comes to Kenji and Hawkeye because she has Sybin who is with her the same.. Regaurdless she said she had felt something with her that night and across the street she heard rustling and saw eyes.. It could have been anything really but perhaps it really was Hawkeye.. Who knows maybe I am just crazey and completely out of my head but these things are real to me.. As real as my own body.. Kenji and Hawkeye are not spirit guides.. They are friends.. They are my companions.. They are me..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Holidays got a bit crazy but not as crazey as they normally get.. To be quite honest this was the first holiday I worked at the kennel and I did not get stressed, tired or lack of socialness.. In fact I was quite peppy and well happy.. I told Jess about it and she said it is because I am getting things out and I am mentally in a better place.. I think that is true to but it is also I am did not have to visit my mothers and her family for it.. I think that was a big stess relief.. I think that is why I have not needed to write here for so long.. Trust me after next weekend I will have lots to talk about.. It is the first christmas party and it is with my mother's side of the family which means the topic of Grandpa is sure to come up which is gonna be awkward as my cousin Meghan is gonna be there and well .. .. .. ..



Lets just be greatful I will have both Jenny and Raven with me..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Seriously has anyone actually sat down and thought about the purpose of mankind?? To tell you the truth the whole race is going to hell.. There is nothing about life that does not deal with Blood, Sex and Money.. Without this there is no people.. No nothing actually..

In sickness and in death.. Sacred vows to bond to souls together in a sacred celebration of bullshit.. I do not believe in marriage or that it means a bucket full of sweat and blood.. Seriously now, our divorce rate is higher then that of the marriage.. And what the fuck is up with these 16 year olds giving birth to their daddy's children.. Come on people open your eyes and take a look around and smell the shit that we burry our heads in each and every night.. .. .. .. .. ..

Perhaps you are sencing some anger.. Damn right.. I don't know what set me off or how to stop it all I know is that everything is fucked up.. We live to die and die to live. I do not beleieve in Heaven or Hell I do not believe in anything really.. .. At least not anymore.. Love either.. Love is nothing but a candy given to a child to suck on for a little while only to have it stolen and run away with as the candy is given to another person.. Fuck them all.. I do not need love and dont even get started on sex because if you dare tell me that I need to get laid one more time I am gonna shoot you in the head myself.. There is nothing anyone can do to me that I can not get pleasure out of my own hand.. Thats right everyone.. So FUCK OFF and leave me alone.. I refuse to be apart of this society and so called 'date' again until people can open their eyes and take a good look at all the pain they are causing.. Until then I will cuddle up with the only things in this life that actually care about me.. My dogs Jenny and Raven.. I don't need people.. I only wished I had figured that out before I got hurt..

Good bye and good night..
 
 
 
 
 
 
I remember him well.. His name was Paul.. Last name White.. --HA-- Just another reason for me to hate the name White.. All the same he was a man who lived with in my home from ever since I can remember.. He lived with us way back on High Street.. My earliest memory of him was when he was watching me and my younger brother Shane.. I think we where very young cause Shane was wearing those cute pale yellow feety pjs with the duckies on them.. I was in a candy cane striped nightshirt.. I remember how we drenched all his ciggarets and broke them and threw them away.. We did not stop even after he went to teh corner store across the street to get more.. We where the reason he quit smoking.. Or so he says.. I don't know I have not seen him in nearly 4 years..

I remember sitting on his back and pounding him on him and I remember enjoying it.. Jeff pulled me off of him.. I don't remember why I was hitting the man but I remember the blind fury I got when I was pounding him..

I remember comming out of the shower for the first time after shaving.. Walking into the kitchen whre my brother Chris was I was so proud I shaved my legs.. However when Paul reached to rub my legs and telling me not as smooth as prefered I remember getting sick to my stomach..

I remember sleeping in my bed with all my stuff animals only to wake up to see him staring in my bedroom window.. One time Katie was in bed with me and she saw him to.. It was not the first time nor was it the last..

I remember him driving us to my aunt and uncle's house.. Us meaning me and Katie.. We where to baby sit my cousins.. Everytime Paul reached for the stick shift he made a point to brush his hands to our hips.. We where in the front of his truck cause there was no room in the back.. At a gas station I remember Katie making me swich with her so that I would be in teh middle..

I remember swimming in the water hole in the pit with Shane.. I don't know how long he was there but at one point we turned to see him watching us.. Like a ghost I remember, Never saying a word only standing there watching.. He left when Shane started pegging rocks at him..

I remember all this cause it still haunts me to the day.. These are the fragments of years of living with this man.. He is shorter then me and I know I could beat him up but I don't know.. There is just something not right about this freaky little man..
 
 
 
 
 
 
Grandpa Seatten --

Though I know that is not even your real name.. How do I hate thee.. What was going through your head when you forbiddinly touched my 13 year old cousin.. She was a baby.. Why did you hurt her?? And what was going through your head when you ran away from your Handicap wife and 6 children who could not take care of themselves.. You ran away and changed your name.. I have to admit that I hope you rot in your jail cell and it would be to soon if I see you again.. Last night I declared the discisson that I will not be attending to your funeral.. I know you are sick and dieing but I honestly say you dont even deserve that.. No you deserve to be tied in shackles and beaten and shot so that you suffer for what you have done.. I trully hope your end in life is slow and miserable..

Uncle Rusty --

You claim to be an uncle.. I can not tell you how fucked up your family seems from the people who look from afar.. You kids are messed in the head and I am a sure as I am alive that you have touched each and every one of them.. I would not be suprised if your eldest daughter's un born child belongs to you.. My Aunt Mindy is blind to it.. She says everything is okay because with this new bit about Grandpa comming to the light I would not be suprised if as a child her father molested her as you are molesting your children.. Your family is dead to me.. And though I do not have any proof or memories of past abuse I do have a strong feeling that my thoughts are true..

Aunt Tammy --

Don't even get me started on you.. I was blind until recently when my brother told me about the back rubs you gave my brothers.. He said that he was warned by Chris that if you ever asked to give him a back rub to not take it.. It did not mean back rub at all did it.. You jerked off Chris adn you did the same to Jeff.. Shane claims that you did not touch him as he would not allow it.. But how much is what he says true?? And then there is your daughter.. How dare you blame her for what Grandpa did to her.. And when she trys to tell you what your husband does you close your eyes and tell her she is lieing?? I swear every time I see pictures of your kids I see the pity result of years of abuse from a drunken mother and father.. But you claim your family to be happy?? There is no happiness for our family.. Just secrets in the dark shadows of our pittiful lives..

Aunt Debbie --

Dont even get me started.. You have a run a way daughter not even 17 years old yet who has 2 kids that she does not even know who their father is.. Do you remember locking her in her bedroom at night so she would not get into things?? And when it came for my vacations to be locked in there with her?? I remember laying on my sleeping bag trying to sleep while my 6 year old cousin screemed at the door to be let out but all she got in return was Amanda go to bed.. We where caged like animals until someone woke up the next morning to let us out.. You fucked all of your kids up including the baby whom you spoiled over everyone because he was a bit challanged for mobility.. Little Billy was only 8 and he was taking care of all of us while you slept in.. I have to admit I did not like comming to your house much when I was younger..

Mom's side of the family -- (All of the above and some I have not even mentioned..)

I only remember from the age 9 and up what it was like I mean I have little flashes but not much about what life trully was like back then.. I remember weird things like walking up the stairs of a run down apartment complex and I would always look up to see a stained glass window of all colors.. But once I walked through the door there is nothing..

I remember sitting on a bed listening to teenage girls that my grandmother took into foster care.. But I do not remember anything they where saying..

I remember playing at Nana's house, my grandfather's mother before she went into a nursing home.. She had a beige carpet and these porcelin animals that where big as my arms.. I would play with them and I remember loving them like they where real.. When she was taken away she gave them to me.. To this day I still have them..

I remember finding playboys by my grandfather's computer.. (Huh, Why am I seeking these out all through my childhood.. lol..) I remember Grandma getting pissed when she found me with them.. But I don't remember what went on every day.. And when I see these people in present day I am in differant with them.. I pretend to be happy but I am always on gaurd.. Since I had Jenny I would have her with me becaue having her around made me feel safe.. To be honest I never let her off leash, She stays right with me..

I admit I am not really looking forward to this Christmas.. But at least this time I have not only Jenny but a large Newfoundland Puppy to protect me..

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